Manipulation through obligation
Doing things for someone else, so that they’ll be obligated to do something for you on the return trip, is manipulation through obligation.
That’s the simplest way to say it. Manipulation through obligation is rampant in networking circles. “You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours” is a generous and innocent idea only when both people want to be back scratchers and everyone in that person’s networking circle isn’t requesting a back scratch.
6 Truths: What Manipulation Through Obligation Creates
Truth #1: The trap of obligation erodes trust between two people. If people are playing that game, we never know whether or not someone has done something nice because they believe in the person/the work, or if they’re being nice because they want something in return, later. The trap of obligation makes the establishment of new online relationships a tricky one, for me–is this person offering to support my work because they are genuinely behind it? Or are they hoping that supporting my work today means they get my support on theirs, later? And if I don’t have the time, resources, or desire to offer that support, what then?
Truth #2: The trap of obligation creates mediocre work. It becomes more difficult to offer up honest assessments when one is caught in the obligation of “being nice” because someone else has always been nice to you. Someone says, “Here’s my new thing/product/idea/what I’m doing with my life. What do you think?”
It becomes difficult to state what’s honest, because it’s critical: “You’re my friend and I love you–and my truth is that the writing you’ve shown me is flat in paragraph 4. My suggestion would be….”
We fear that then someone will email/call all of her girlfriends, angry at the person who dared to be honest, no matter how kindly the honest person tried to phrase it. To avoid that hassle, so often people are dishonest and decide to leave it at: “You’re my friend and I love you. Of course your writing is great!”
Or, they say nothing at all. The phone doesn’t ring. The email isn’t answered.
Truth #3: The trap of obligation creates resentment. Sally Sue asks Billy Bob for help with something, and she’s helped Billy Bob before. Billy Bob feels obligated to help, even though his truth is that he doesn’t really want to. He feels resentful at the system of obligation to reciprocate.
He’s a good person who wants to share, to help, to reciprocate, but just not in this instance–and he doesn’t like the heel at his neck that is manipulation through obligation. If he says yes to Sally Sue’s request, he feels uncomfortable. If he says no, Sally Sue feels resentful that he said no.
Truth #4: The trap of obligation creates fear. Fear of not being liked, fear of not being helped, fear of not being loved. People say yes to obligations because they fear the consequences of saying no, more than they fear the resentment or discomfort they feel when they say yes.
Truth #5: The trap of obligations creates a life lived for others, rather than for yourself. The obligations pile up. There are work obligations, family obligations, friendship obligations. People feel overwhelmed. Sometimes they shut down entirely, not starting a new friendship or new endeavor simply to not feel obligated.
Truth #6: The trap of obligations creates isolation. Some of us start doing everything on their own, because they don’t want to ask for anything, for fear of being asked for something in return and not having the desire, energy or resources to accommodate the return of the favor. It becomes easier to “just do it yourself” than it is to feel trapped in a cycle of manipulation through obligation.
The Antidote to Manipulation Through Obligation
The antidote to manipulation through obligation is to understand that you are not obligated. You do not “have to.” Not even if they promoted your last thing or provided you with a referral of some kind. And furthermore, no one owes you. Not even if you promoted their last thing or provided them with a helping hand.
The antidote to obligation is to act from a place of love, every time. It’s not love to help people only to get something back. That’s manipulation. To take this antidote, you both have to stop doing anything for someone else in the hopes of getting something back, and, you have to stop expecting others to do anything for you, because you’re hoping to get something back.
Yes, of course it’s good to live in a society where we’re helping one another and working together. Let’s do that.
I’m just an advocate for doing that from a place that is honest, and true, and not manipulative.
I’m just an advocate for help and support that I can fully trust because I know that it comes from the wellspring of generosity that someone feels authentically inspired to offer to me.
I’m an advocate for the kind of love that allows people to say no, change their minds, and really show up as who they are, even if that means that it’s inconvenient for me, because then I know that I’m really getting that person–not a shell of that person who is afraid to say “no” for fear that I will not like them or shit-talk about them behind their back.
I’m also an advocate for the kind of love that might have you choosing to create your closest and most reliable relationships from those people who share similar values, who want to share and reciprocate in the same ways that you do, and who are willing to communicate that.
When there’s a shared vision about what reciprocity looks like, no one is getting hurt.
And when there are obligations? Well, revisit #1-6, there.