The confusion that precedes clarity
There’s an interesting thing that happens to us, somatically, right when we are butting up against a core issue: we suddenly feel mentally foggy and confused.
I’ve lost count of how many times this has happened. The counselor or coach or therapist offers me some new way of thinking, poses a question that I’m suddenly stumped to answer. My brain can’t quite process what they’ve just said. I’m suddenly confused. It’s like they’re speaking a different language and I’m hustling to translate.
I start saying a lot of this:
“I don’t know.”
And in those moments, I really don’t know. Everything feels blank, everything feels fuzzy and not quite clear–and I’m one of those people who can typically formulate quick answers. My sense of who I am and what I want often feels pretty clear.
But when I’m butting up against a core issue, I hesitate. I rub my eyes. I have to ask the person speaking to me to re-ask their questions.
I used to be frustrated when this would happen—dammit, why couldn’t I just think? Now I understand. This is the confusion that precedes clarity.
I Don’t Know
Major Insight: This sort of muddling confusion is the last defense Ego/resistance/the critic will put forth to fortify itself.
“I don’t know” is a way that we can separate ourselves from clarity, from taking action, from a solution to a challenge, or even from just being with what is.
We Always Know
Somewhere, we know what our personal answers are. We know what we’re hungry for. I wholeheartedly believe this.
We might have fear around voicing it–but we know.
We might not be listening–but we know.
We might not know steps to getting what we want–but we always know that they are out there.
It’s not about what we don’t know.
It’s about what we’re willing to declare.
Confusion Precedes Clarity
It’s the very process of being “in it” with the confusion that produces, eventually, the clarity we desire. There’s no short-circuiting that process. I don’t care what anyone is trying to sell you– “How to” is massively over-rated, and not even usually what we need.
What we need, as Brene Brown says, is to look at what gets in the way.
“I don’t know” gets in the way.
What doesn’t get in the way?
In the moments when our confusion precedes our clarity, it’s tempting to just give up—to just wait until somehow the smoke clears and we “know.”
But what about a different approach? What about digging in deeper?
How about, instead of, “I don’t know,” we try: “I’m committed to knowing,” or “I’m excited to learn,” or “I’m willing to be present with ‘not knowing’ until the next right step appears.”
Or even– “I’m willing to be gentle with myself every time I notice myself saying that ‘I don’t know,’ ” or “I’m open to the idea that ‘not knowing’ is not a big deal.”
Try it out: Take out a sheet of paper, and make a list of the top five things that you feel stuck around, like you “don’t know” what to do.
Finish this statement: “If I don’t know exactly what to do, I could probably try…”
Then–and this is the part that the “I don’t know” resistance was trying to keep you from, because it’s scary–actually commit to trying the things that are on your list.