"Energy vampires" are bullshit
People talk about so-called “energy vampires,” those people or situations or things that seemingly drain off our energy without your ability to stop it.
You hang around them and they are “toxic,”or they are so full of drama, they must have “sucked” the energy from you, right?
Nope. Energy vampires don’t exist. That concept is just a way to put blame for how you feel on something external–that thing, out there, over there…that’s the cause. Not me. Not my choices. Not who I choose to be around or the job I choose to go to or the drama I choose to sit there and listen to.
I say this with love: We can all grow up now and start taking responsibility for our ‘stuff.’
We choose who we hang out with.
We choose how we judge them (which is really what results in the energy drain–we’re so busy thinking about how nutso they are or evaluating their choices, we go home later feeling drained…and then blame it on them! They’re just being themselves, you know).
In the rush to define who is and isn’t an energy vampire, most people forget how draining it is to resist practicing compassion for others.
We choose whether we blame.
We choose the to-do list.
We choose what we spend money on.
We choose where we work.
We choose whether our house is organized.
We choose whether or not to work out.
We choose whether or not to be informed.
We choose whether or not to be present.
Some of you might be reading this at exactly the right moment…perhaps you’re around a lot of people who you’d say are definitively energy vampires. You’re sure that they are clinical narcissists. You’re sure that they are “toxic.”
But again, the invitation is there to see if you want to be in charge of your life experience, or a slave to theirs.
Who’s choosing to be around these people that are so narcissistic and toxic? Is it…you?
it’s all a choice.
Please (please!) remember that I’m saying this with gentleness. Also, I’m saying it to be helpful. Why? Because…
When we recognize that we choose, we are free to make different choices. If you stop saying that something external to you is the issue, it won’t mean that you have to put up with the person.
It’ll just free you up to make a more empowering (and energizing!) choice.
How much more energy might you have if you stop making choices to be around people or situations that aren’t a match for you? How much more energy might you have if you take responsibility for your life and your choices?
make a list, check it twice.
Make a list of the various things in your life that you choose that might not be your best choices because you notice that when YOU choose them, it means you’re feeling tired, drained, or agitated. Then notice that things are just things, people are just people, and that the more time and focus you spend on making “them” wrong in some way, the more drained you feel.
That job or company isn’t an energy vampire. It’s just a job. It’s just a company. And if it’s not a fit for you, fine—choose what is a fit. Choose to either change what you don’t like at the company, or go to a different company.
That friend who’s always complaining isn’t an energy vampire. She’s just someone complaining. And if that’s not a fit for you, fine—choose what is a fit. Choose to either speak up about what you notice and how you’d like it to shift, or decide to spend more time with other people.
Your mother-in-law who’s so into the drama isn’t an energy vampire. She’s just someone who’s into drama. And if that’s not a fit for you, fine—choose what is a fit. Choose to either speak up about what you notice and how you’d like it to be different, or decide not to be around her as much.
YOU are in charge of how much attention you give to a job or a company or a complainer or a drama queen.
YOU are in charge of how much you focus on them, their choices, and how much energy YOU put into judging how they should be different.
Giving people attention, focusing on people, judging people—that’s the energy suck. You’re the one doing it. Not them.
Please consider, too, the dehumanizing nature of these labels. Consider how you’d feel if you found out that someone stopped hanging out with you and was going around telling everyone what an “energy vampire” you are. You’d rack your brain trying to figure out why they were saying that, what the incident was that caused them to think that. At the end of the day, it would only boil down to this: you were being you (flawed and human and messy like the rest of us) and you can’t really do much to fix a relationship if someone just gives you a negative label like “energy vampire” but without every speaking up about what they’re noticing and how they’d like it to be different.
If anything has “energy vampire” behavior, it’s the cowardice of judging other people without ever giving them the respect of a simple conversation.
Energy vampires are bullshit. People are just being people. Some people are not a fit for us, or we are not a fit for them—it doesn’t mean they are bad, wrong, or undeserving of basic human decency and respect. And, you are always in choice. You can always leave the room. You can always decide not to give something your attention.