When things fall apart
When things are falling apart for you, what’s the opportunity?
When I quit my “day job” to start running my own business, it felt like things were falling apart. In the midst of that it felt awful, and yet without a doubt, I could see every opportunity in every shift, and I could see lovely things on the other side of all of those shifts.
When I got right down to it, I was afraid—more afraid than I’d ever been in my entire life—while seeing that there was absolutely nowhere else that I’d rather be!
Things were falling apart in all of the loveliest ways; what was slowly getting suffocated were habits and patterns that simply didn’t work for my life, anymore. When I decided to stop working the day job, those habits that were limiting and fear-based were nakedly exposed, and exposed again, and those patterns couldn’t hold up their weight anymore.
The patterns were “falling apart” and so I felt during that time like I was “falling apart.”
It comforted me to read Pema Chodron.
“It is said that we can’t attain enlightenment, let alone feel contentment and joy, without seeing who we are and what we do, without seeing our patterns and habits. This is called maitri–developing loving-kindness and an unconditional friendship with ourselves.
People sometimes confuse this process with self-improvement or building themselves up…We might erroneously believe that maitri is a way to find happiness that lasts; as advertisements so seductively promise, we could feel great for the rest of our lives. It’s not that we pat ourselves on the back and say “You’re the greatest,” or “Don’t worry, sweetheart, everything is going to be fine.” Rather it’s a process by which self-deception becomes so skillfully and compassionately exposed that there’s no mask that can hide us any more.” — Pema Chodron, When Things Fall Apart
Oh. So beautiful. “It’s a process by which self-deception becomes so skillfully and compassionately exposed that there’s no mask that can hide us any more.”
That was the mask that fell when I stopped working for my day job. I could not hide, anymore.
That word–compassionately. YES. Exposing self-deception–with compassion. YES.
“Generally speaking, we regard discomfort in any form as bad news. But for practitioners or spiritual warriors–people who have a certain hunger to know what is true–feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.” –Pema Chodron
I am usually quiet on this falling apart feeling when I teach coaches in the Courageous Living Coach Certification. I don’t want to impose my view of this “falling apart” on anyone else, since all of our processes are the same. But quietly and from the sidelines, I actually see it all of the time and wonder how much they see it in themselves.
I hated what it felt like when things fell apart when I stopped the day job. I was kicking and screaming most of the way. It was like drowning, exhausting, coming up for bits of air and thinking I’d be okay and then feeling like I was drowning again. I had to push up against all the places where I felt not enough, not capable. I had to face more fears of not having money than I’d ever faced before. I had to look at where I was hesitant to be visible or boldly claim my message.
All of that was so fucking hard to do, and the old patterns of wanting to be a good little girl achiever were falling apart. All of my reactivity was falling apart. All of my clinging to accomplishments were falling apart.
At some point I stopped falling apart and just started falling. That feels like a kind of surrender, a letting go and allowing.
I woke up one morning feeling a renewed commitment to diving in despite resistance, which for me is exactly as Chodron puts it: exposing self-deception, with compassion.
That felt much better than fighting life as it fell apart. I resolved to choose it again and again, wherever possible.
I don’t know where you are right now or what you’re up against. I don’t know what’s falling apart in your own life. I only feel I can share that in my experience, when things start falling apart, it’s usually because they are meant to. And, that there is something beautiful on the other side.