Passion and play
One weekend, my husband and I went to the DeYoung Museum’s exhibit of Impressionist paintings when they were on tour/on loan from the Musee D’Orsay (Paris).
I left the museum that afternoon feeling something that I feel every time I leave a museum: With that delicious feeling of, “I wanna do that!”
I call this following your “inner YES!”, that feeling inside that knows it wants something, craves something. It’s the feeling that sees something and has to restrain oneself from crying out. I wanted to touch the color, feel the bumps of the canvas under my fingertips, to lick the paint. (Yes, I know that that sounds weird. You only know what I mean, if you know what I mean).
Some of us are people who have a LOT of inner “YES!” feelings, and then the challenge becomes knowing which ones to follow. I am one of those people. There is so much beauty, so many beautiful things that I’m attracted to, that in the past I have frequently found myself thinking I needed to figure out what my calling was, and stick to it.
I used to think that passion and play were not “the serious stuff,” that what I really needed to focus on was something like getting my life all “pulled together and balanced.”
It was only after my coach challenged me to make a joy list and do at least 2 things on that list, daily, that I realized how much resistance I had to passion and play. I had plenty of experience with anger and sadness, but my childhood and subsequent early adult years had not provided me with a lot of training in how to have a really fun, joyful experience.
Sure, I laughed and made jokes. But did I walk around with an experience of real and true deep inner joy?
No.
And the side of me that was in need of a lot of healing told me that it wasn’t “practical” to expect that I would feel a lot of joy during my day. It wasn’t “realistic” to expect to be joyful within. And besides, weren’t those joy-filled types the ones who got made fun of as cheesy and ridiculous? I wouldn’t want to be one of those people.
Happiness is a Choice (Kind of)
It has become controversial to say that happiness is a choice. Often, “happiness is a choice” is tossed about in self-help circles as if literally we are all capable of flipping an internal switch and being happy people. This is laced with the implicit accusation that unhappy people are unhappy because they just don’t try hard enough—they don’t choose.
I don’t believe this.
What I do believe is that most people who are living basically good lives just kind of float along without intentionally and consciously choosing happiness, without intentionally choosing to put passion and play into the mix of their lives. I also believe that even in the midst of profound unhappiness, we can intentionally say to ourselves, “I’m going to make a choice to do one thing today that might bring me happiness.” I have been clinically depressed and suicidal, and while no two cases of depression are alike, I can see that the thing that saved me was telling myself this kind of statement on even the worst of days.
When we start asserting, over and over, that happiness is a choice in our lives, a cool thing happens: we actually start to feel like that might be true. It’s slow, it’s subtle, and it takes time, but it is like a muscle that grows stronger with use.
Years later, when I was getting my Masters in Psychology, I ran across multiple studies on cognitive reframing. This is the practice of reframing a negative thought in a more positive direction. When done mindfully and without trying to push people to pretend that they’re all sparkly when they don’t really feel great, it slowly can change a person’s mindset.
Clinical depression is very real and profoundly impacts people’s lives. When someone is severely clinically depressed, it’s hard to think of what to do next. It’s hard to do anything other than just exist. It’s hard to breathe.*
At first, making any kind of choice at all in a more positive direction takes a Herculean effort. With time, it does get better.
Choosing Despite the Story
Choosing happiness despite our Stories that we’re silly or it’s impractical or that it won’t work is courageous.
It’s a Story that there is just this one thing we are meant to do with life and therefore we can’t try that other new thing. It’s a Story that there’s no point in trying. For myself, I believe that it is a Story that if I am depressed it is impossible to choose anything that might bring about happiness.
We need more passion and play in our lives and we need to choose it as often as we can. Following that inner YES! is one way.
We can start now, and start small. I don’t have an artist’s studio. I’ve painted on cheap $20 IKEA tables. Many of my supplies are stored in a disorganized and haphazard fashion. I have to pull almost all of them out if I want to create anything. I remember the days when I told myself that I needed “a space” to create. I also no longer believe that one needs lots of “time.” Twenty minutes a day can go a long way towards connecting you with your passion and play.
This is one of those areas where the question must be asked: To what are you more committed, your vision for your life, or to your resistance?
It’s okay to be in a resistant space—you are not bad if you have days where the resistance is stronger than the choice in the direction of happiness. You’ll still be loved.
Just keep noticing what you’re more committed to, moment to moment, and be prepared to make a leap when you’re ready for something to shift.