How to forgive
All that I know about how to forgive, is that I have never forgiven anyone unless these two conditions were true:
I came to see that the person I was refusing to forgive was actually just like me—under the right circumstances, capable of the same mistakes.
I came to realize that it was costing me far, far more to actively hold onto resentment, than it would to simply forgive.
What We Misunderstand About How to Forgive
There are some fundamental misunderstandings I used to have about how to forgive.
Misunderstanding number one: Forgiveness meant excusing their behavior, without asking for accountability.
Misunderstanding number two: Forgiveness meant giving the person a free pass to continue with their behavior.
Misunderstanding number three: Forgiveness meant that I had to keep allowing that person into my life.
Misunderstanding number four: Forgiveness was some enlightened perspective on life that I was “supposed to” adopt.
Misunderstanding number five: Forgiveness was a one-stop shop, an arrival point, a destination.
Misunderstanding number six: Forgiveness meant they were all wrong—the fuck up—and I was all right, with nothing to look at, no part I might have played.
Now I understand that you can absolutely forgive someone without saying their behavior was correct; you can make it clear what is and is not okay with boundaries; you can decide to take space from a person; you are not required to hustle to forgive; the process of forgiveness is less an arrival point and more like a wave where sometimes you feel complete and other times, not.
And, most humbling? I understand that I can identify places where the other person had a harmful impact on me and also identify places where I played a part in the situation.
How to Forgive
Actually feel the pain. Like, fully feel the pain before even attempting to forgive. Don’t feel the pain as in, “take it out on them and really let them have it and let them know how badly they fucked up” (at least, not unless you two have agreed that this is helpful for both of you in healing). However it happens, I think we have to be real and authentic about the pain that we feel. For myself, this has meant either crying or screaming (into towels). It doesn’t look cool. It feels weird and awkward to even talk about. But nonetheless, honest processing out of feelings has been a critical piece of the path to forgiveness, for me. Note: it is possible to spend years here, and this is best done with the support of a mental health professional.
Understand what might have fed into why the person did what they did. (Do not do this if you have skipped step #1). I don’t mean “understand it” as in you have to invalidate your pain. I’m not saying, “Hurt people go on to hurt others, and since they were hurt, I need to understand that and let my pain and anger and sadness, go.” But I do think that when we understand—as in, acknowledge—another person’s sheer humanity, their imperfection, their capacity to fuck up and how if you had lived that same life with those same circumstances and that same deductive reasoning as that person, you would have chosen the same thing? We do a bit more to humanize them. In my experience, it’s a lot harder to forgive when we do not humanize the person we believe wronged us.
Clarify what your boundaries are. (Do not do this if you have skipped step #1). I actually think this is an essential part of forgiveness, because when we don’t have clear boundaries, the risk is very real that we will forgive Person A, and then go on to Person B who will do the same thing to us and then it’s another person to forgive. What did you learn, from the way that this person impacted you? What have you decided you will not tolerate from a friend, again?
Ask yourself what your part was. (Do not do this if you have skipped step #1). This is really hard, and gets very—very—mixed up in people’s minds when they have bought into an as/them, right/wrong, binary dynamic. Maybe you will not find that you had a part. Someone who walks up to you on the street and punches you in the face did something to you, and you didn’t have a “part” in that. But in a conflict with a family member, or a co-worker, or anywhere else, there’s usually some place where you, too, weren’t on your best behavior or didn’t act from a loving or respectful place. Try to find that place, and forgive yourself for it. In my experience, forgiving ourselves for any place where we were in the wrong or contributed or misaligned our own integrity, seems to oddly be connected to forgiving others.
Decide where you actually want to go, from here (Do not do this if you have skipped step #1). There were times where I was so locked into processing my pain over what happened, that I didn’t stop to ask myself…where was I actually trying to go, from here? What did I want to have happen, next? What was the actual solution, the restitution, I was seeking? This is the place where I would often see that the thing I wanted to happen was…the past to not have been what it was. I wanted that thing that had hurt, to never have hurt. That’s a way to stay locked and stuck for a long time. I had to ask myself, given the situation and what it was…what did I want to have happen, now?
Accept that what happened, happened, and you will not change the fact that it happened. (Do not do this if you have skipped step #1). Again, this one pisses people off if they are misunderstanding me as saying that this negates impact (it doesn’t). But nonetheless, in my experience of how to forgive, at some point I had to reckon with the fact that the past happened, how it happened. I was never, ever going to change it. Being angry at that person or experience would never change because I was pissed or hurt about it. What happened, happened. I had to simply accept that it had happened.
Decide that you will not be defined by the pain. (Do not do this if you have never processed your pain). To truly forgive we have to decide that we will not be defined by what that person or experience did to us. This is the place where we grow incredibly powerful, and it requires courage. We have to be brave enough to decide that because that happened, does not mean XYZ can never happen. We have to decide that we might have felt pain, but we are not wholly defined by it. In my experience, this has been a process of sometimes actively deciding, in a moment when I was rehashing an old hurt for the umpteenth time, to stop and reframe it and focus on something else. Other times, it has meant writing out a declaration of how I was going to move forward with my life and reading it out loud, every single day.
It is hard to forgive, I think. It is hard to let go. But this is what I know about how to forgive—may it bring you peace.