How I write
Sometimes I’m asked how I write–especially how I can generate so much content. I don’t know that I have a cohesive, simple answer to that question, but here are a few things that I know to be true for me and for how I write.
Writing is a Relationship
I have a relationship with my writing. I think a relational approach to your creative expression is the healthiest way to see where it is and is not working. Decades ago, the relationship was one of control. I would say, “I have X number of words to write today, because it’s what I must do to call myself a worthy human being who has a regular writing practice.” And my writing would bitch and moan back at me, and it was a very dysfunctional relationship, full of power struggles over getting that task done. Untying the worthiness from that relationship was huge.
I exerted that control over writing because I wanted to be hot-shit–I had this thing about wanting to be a young prodigy in the writing world. Somewhere around the age of thirty, when I realized that that was not to be, I just surrendered. I stopped trying to write something every day. Instead, I came to the page/keyboard when I was inspired.
I would later realize that I had gone from one extreme of control, to the opposite extreme of “when I feel like it.” This lack of discipline and accountability turned me into a non-writer for many years. I had to reclaim my way back to it. I now strike a balance somewhere in the middle: I don’t have a certain number of words, but I do make myself sit in a chair every day, and write something (anything) for a set period of time.
Sometimes the urge to write is like a feeling that cries out at me. I honor the urge to write above all else, because I ignore the urge to write when I really want to write, I am a fussy, temperamental mess.
I could have fifty cents in my bank account and be happy if I’m writing and it’s really flowing.
I know that I’m in the flow when I’ve been writing for hours and my stomach is groaning because I’m so hungry–and yet I’d rather write than stop to eat.
Tools & Technique
For years, I wanted to have a desktop computer for work, and a laptop that was only for writing. I resisted, because there was all of this, “living in the first world with all this privilege, when other people don’t even have food” guilt where I thought I didn’t deserve to own two computers. Finally, I bought the laptop. No regrets.
There is no email software on my writing laptop, aside from word-processing software and whatever basic install software came pre-loaded. Zero distractions.
I need to write in different locations. I really like to spread out. I have a coffee table in my office that is usually covered with whatever book I’m reading in the moment, my laptop, and writing notes. Things get messy. I tend to let it get messy until a project is complete, and then do a big clean-up.
I make a lot of notes, on yellow post-its and in notebooks.
I frequently read the writing of writers who inspire me when I’m trying to create my own work. The tricky part here is making sure I’m inspired, not emulating. I’ll usually only see that when I’m editing.
Sometimes I’ll read a page from one of these books, and just one line will hook me, and so I’ll start writing a response to that one line.
When Editing, Risk Ruthlessness to Cut to Truth
I don’t sweat editing out anything that doesn’t work–I’m ruthless. Sometimes I’ll copy and paste the cut paragraph into a new document and keep it around as a separate file just in case I want to use it later; maybe it will end up being something I open up later and turn into a full-fledged piece.
Because I’ve learned the hard way–I save early, save often.
Often, when I start a piece, I don’t reign myself in–I just GO. I write, I don’t edit. Maybe I’ll start talking about compassion and then re-read the piece an hour later and realize that I’ve touched on three different angles. When I realize that I’m talking about three different spins within one subject, I check word-count and if the piece is long, I’ll see what I can do to craft that one piece into three different pieces.
I try to keep word count under 1,000 when writing a blog post, which I find challenging. I love to read and don’t mind longer pieces, so I personally resist the fact that most consumers/people want pieces to be short and snappy.
When I edit, I edit first for organization of ideas and focus, then for word count and sentence-level issues. I try to rephrase as many sentences as possible from a first-person to a second-person focus when writing personal growth, i.e., from “I” to “you/we.” The writing is more connected to the reader, that way.
I don’t often write for anyone else’s website anymore, but when I did, I would have the hardest time with deadlines for other websites. I try to start working on those early, weeks in advance of the deadline. I’ll riff on something a bit and then leave it alone until a week before the deadline, and then check it out again. I pad my time a lot because I know that I need that time to go back and forth.
You Can’t Control Everything
I love writing in libraries, because there’s a rule that everyone has to be quiet. I get irritated when I’m writing and something pulls me out of that flow. I once lived in a neighborhood with a neighbor who had a dog. The dog would bark every ten minutes at any sound it heard, for hours. The neighbor knew that his dog does this, but he didn’t do anything about it. It was really hard for me not to hate that neighbor, sometimes.
I confess that I once yelled out my window at that dog, as loud as I could–in a very non-compassionate, not-my-life-vision, not nice, not patient way– “Shut the fuck up!”
The dog was quiet for ten minutes, and then resumed its barking.
My ideal writing day would be getting up around 7am, stretching and meditating, having breakfast, showering, grabbing a latte from Peet’s, and then sitting down to write around 9am while taking sips of the latte while writing for several hours. Ah, but this was the stuff of life before I became a parent. Now, I have a kid, and I get up around 5am so that I can get some time in before she wakes up.
My favorite days are those when I have zero appointments. I like disappearing into the vortex where there’s no reason whatsoever to even look at the clock and track time.
While this is my ideal, I also know how to rock getting in an hour or two of writing. I don’t want to make anything “too precious” around writing. That’s not healthy. I want to have kids in a few years, and I definitely know that things will change then.
Criticism & Unspeakable Love
For anyone who fears criticism of what they write: I know that it’s not the right time for a piece to be published if, as I’m writing, I’m worrying about offending someone. Then I know that I don’t energetically stand behind the piece. I have to stand behind it before anyone else can.
I do get critical responses to what I write. While I’m open to the feedback and pause to consider it, it’s usually clear that the person is being reactionary and intending to be abusive with their feedback, rather than critique. With writing online, this is the difficulty: people don’t always realize that a single written blog post or podcast post is one little star that expresses a pocket of who I am in a moment, not the entire constellation of who I am on a continuum. Even with the books I’ve written, time passes, my ideas change and shift, and the book itself can’t every fully encapsulate all that could be said about an idea. People don’t think of this when they write in, upset.
How I handle the critiques? I figure I can’t really “convince” someone to “like” me or what I write, if they’re choosing such a narrow point of view.
I confess it amuses me when the email is seething with hostility and criticism and then ends with, “I wish you the best in your work” or something like that. It’s such a bullshit line–they know it, I know it–delivered so that they can feel better about themselves after dumping on someone else. Humans are funny that way.
How do I respond to those emails? I hit the delete key. Life’s too short.
Well, okay–full transparency–sometimes I feel a bit sad before hitting the delete key, not because I believe the words in the email, but because someone thought that they should take time out of their life to be unkind to someone else.
Emails where someone shares that what I’ve written has them thinking in a different way, opened up an inch of freedom in their life, or helped them in some way–I save them in a special folder, and re-read them from time to time. I genuinely appreciate them.
Confession: I often feel awkward knowing what to write back to those emails, and wish there were some way where I could magically transfer my high-vibration gratitude that I feel at the time of reading their email, over to them, so that instead of my awkward email responses, they would feel how I feel about their gesture. There are times when words are far too limiting to express anything, and thanking a reader for appreciating what I’ve written is one of those times.