Evolution into darkness, revolution into light

“Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others.” --Pema Chodron, The Places That Scare You

Something that had always bothered me about the coaching industry? The over-emphasis, the downright preoccupation that can happen, with skewing Coaching as the “happy-happy-goals!-joy-joy-affirmations!” work that you turn to when you’re tired of going to therapy and confronting the dark stuff. Coaching is stereotyped as reciting affirmations and loving yourself, while therapy is where you go to do the “emotional work.”

I am not aligned with this idea that difficulties, darkness, or emotions are excluded from the work that one can do with a coach (in fact, it’s a hallmark difference in my Courageous Living Coach Certification that teaches people how to become life coaches. I’m aware that this idea can be considered controversial, both from the therapists and coaches alike, because the idea that someone might look at their own shadowy places and confront pain has often been seen as solely the domain of therapy. (And just to be totally clear–I’m not a hater on the therapists or therapy.)

This is my truth: My own life has been an evolution into my darkness, that has resulted in a revolution into my own light.

I’ve seen firsthand the power of looking at, turning over, getting curious about, confronting and being with all that is difficult within me, and that has meant feeling difficult emotions. Emotions are not solely the domain of therapy. Emotions can be explored in coaching, as well.

After all, I’ve never in my life gone twenty-four hours without feeling an emotion (I bet you haven’t, either), so I cannot imagine how I, or any of my clients, would somehow exclude “emotional work” from being part of the coaching process.

It’s important that more coaches start doing the difficult work of parsing through their darkness, because not only do coaches need it–our clients need it.

Our clients, and in fact the entire world, desperately needs the message that in fact,

you are normal if you cry,
you are normal if you feel like a mess sometimes,
you are normal if you carry guilt or shame that needs working on.

We need to stop pathologizing emotions, and touting some version of a perfectly well-balanced human being that is perpetually cool and collected as the ideal. This is not a “new” statement–but certainly, the coaching industry is rampant with examples that would make it seem as if those pesky emotions are not something you need to deal with, really–why, you just need to believe in yourself!

Then There’s The Other Side

Then there’s the other side of the extreme, which is that for some people, moving out of the “It’s all just love n’ light and reciting affirmations” space to claim the difficulty means, “I am someone who struggles with X, so how dare you suggest that change is possible?”

You can’t have a revolution into your own light if you become so tied to the label that you then use that label to define what you’re capable of, moving forward: I’m traumatized, I’m ADHD, I have high-functioning anxiety, I’m an introverted empath with a Human Design of ___ and that’s why I have difficulty with…

When someone over-identifies with a label, they tend to give it power to define what’s possible for their future.

I can always tell when someone over-identifies with a label, when I observe that they get angry if you suggest that they could do something differently than they are doing it.

There is relief in being able to label something that we’ve struggled with and have something that we can call it. It’s a beautiful thing to be able to name our experience.

But—after you name it, after you claim it, please invite yourself to question any limitations that tend to be associated with that label. Not everyone with X label is a certain way, and “that’s just how they are.” Humans are incredible and multi-faceted and nuanced and more than anything, incredibly resilient.

Consider, too, that we know very, very little about how the brain functions, relative to what we predict its capacity is—and yet, one thing that we do know, is that the brain is highly plastic. Read the book, The Brain that Changes Itself by Doidge if you don’t believe me.

Evolution into Darkness, Revolution into Light

When we know our own shadows and the places in ourselves that we are afraid to visit because we can’t fully see the scope of them, we are empowered. When we decide that whatever we see there—whatever label we might place on that part of ourselves—will not define our life experience, we are empowered.

To look at one’s own places of mystery and confusion is an evolution that will bring you closer to who you want to be. Go there.

To decide not to stop at simply labeling it, and to decide that you are more than the label, will also bring you closer to who you want to be. Go there, too.