Conoscere Bene : to know well

Conoscere bene : To know well. 

This is the literal translation; it is entirely possible that with my somewhat limited grasp of Italian, this phrase is used idiomatically and has an entirely deeper meaning. But there I am (or, at least, there are my feet), standing above these words in my purple Birkenstocks (purchased in Italy), the Italian words catching my attention in an immediate way.

Some people go to Italy to eat, to see famous sites, to view Renaissance art, to walk the ruins.

I go to rest.

It has taken me a long time to embrace that. The inner critic voices that it’s ridiculously self-indulgent, that I should figure out some way of resting that doesn’t involve a trans-continental airline ticket, have been loud. But the truth is that every year since I’ve been an adult, I’ve gone on some kind of prolonged rest, whether it’s to New Mexico, to a Zen Center, to Paris, to Italy. I take a few weeks out of the year to drop everything and just BE with no agenda.

I’m not alone in needing rest; in fact, most people are even more in need of it than I am. We are a culture that spins ourselves into a flurry of comparisons and one-upmanship and trying to keep up with something that I’m not even entirely sure is defined for most people.

Here are the signs:

1.) Constantly taking on projects, telling yourself you’ll feel really great once you finish them, then not feeling particularly celebratory upon completing them, and then taking on yet another project.

2.) Yoga, meditation, and other “relaxing activities” feel like more to-do list items.

2.) You’re getting sick..

How to know yourself

We’ve got to honor ourselves and our needs, in order to know ourselves intimately. No one really gets to know “who” they are when they’re subverting play, rest, down time, rejuvenation, or pushing their physical and emotional hungers to the back-burner.

When you realize that you’ve gone overboard and burn-out is fizzling you out, fast, it’s time to do the following:

1.) Go back to the drawing board with examining (or clarifying, if you’ve never done it before) what your Most Courageous Self wants. Tapping into that Most Courageous Self is a huge part of The Courageous Living Program precisely because as you start to practice courage, you’re going to make tough choices. As you’re making those tough choices, there will inevitably be pros and cons to any choice. It won’t be as black-and-white as “one is bad and the other is good.”

Being clear on your Most Courageous Self’s desired life is an important tool for making stronger decisions. It takes you out of externalizing your happiness or making choices because of money or social approval, and puts you straight into making a choice based on whether or not it honors who you are.

Do you take on that new project? Does it honor your Most Courageous Self?
Do you continue with that relationship? Does it honor your Most Courageous Self?
Do you start now, or wait a year? Does it honor your Most Courageous Self?

2.)Examine where you can start practicing more acceptance. How many of us get pissed when things don’t go the way we want them to, and let defeat/discouragement follow on its heels? Even when you clarify what your Most Courageous Self wants, there are going to be things that you can’t control. Trying to get more control will just tie you up in knots. What freedom will come from practicing acceptance?

Rest is an action step

When you’ve been working too hard for awhile, you need rest.

That’s it.

No two ways around it. When we don’t rest, we eventually break.

I now have three levels of rest that I bring into my life. Yours might look a little bit different, but I share my own as a jumping off place for you to start.

Level One: I take time to breathe/meditate every day (check me out on Insight Timer). I do this even if it’s only 5 minutes. Meditation and mindfulness get talked up so much because they are so effective. People who think they aren’t effective are the people who give up on it too quickly to see the benefit. And, you definitely have time. You can meditate for 5 minutes. You have 5 minutes.

Level Two: Short, cheap getaways. My husband and I have made this an art form. Sometimes it’s driving away on a day trip. Sometimes it’s spending a night elsewhere. They’re cheap and inexpensive and often spontaneous. Sometimes just going to a new neighborhood in San Francisco with my camera is enough. Whatever it is, I am convinced that all of us need a visual break from our day-to-day settings.

Level Three: Once a year, I get out of town completely for at least a week, effectively taking a “sabbatical.” Again, this need not be particularly expensive, and when I have prioritized saving up and making the time, doors open. Someone once told me, “Always pay for experiences, not things.” A significant portion of my budget each year goes towards taking this time away.

In sharing these, I feel acutely aware of how privileged it all looks (and is). And yet, I have to say that I’ve found these spaces for rest when I was working shifts at minimum wage jobs, even if it meant claiming meditation time to breath on a short 15-minute break. I’ve found ways to get out of town for a week even when I was driving in a beater car and sleeping in some questionable hostels. It hasn’t been easy and the circumstances have rarely ever been luxe, but, it’s meant a lot to find ways to give myself varying degrees of breaks.

If you are someone who could take the break, who could meditate for 5 minutes, who could implement any of these ideas but you don’t because you’re resistant, you’re exactly who I’m talking to. Not taking a break will eventually mean you will…break. That’s where over-functioning always leads.

To know yourself well means to know yourself well enough to know that breaks are essential to your functioning. You’ll never look back on your life glad you answered those extra emails. You’ll always look back on the overall quality of your life—may it be a life lived without regrets, and a life where you knew yourself well.